a self portrait

CUSSING...
At least that's what we called it in Indiana during the 60's.

Being a keen observer and sometime participant of the passing social scene, I have noticed a change in the way we swear. I guess it's not so much the way but the words. A misplaced blow from a hammer or erratic fellow driver, still elicits the same emotional response but it seems what once was a cuss word isn't any more. You now hear little old ladies and other regular churchgoers, emitting words that only a truck driving, longshoreman/sailor would have said in the past. It also seems the consequences that were once tied to cussing no longer exist, even for a young cuss.
"Did you hear that Ricky Kowalski's Mom washed his mouth out with a bar of soap for saying ..*..?"
Not only is this discipline not applied anymore, it's almost physically impossible, due to the the fact that the little nozzle on the hand squirters most folks now use, would probably become entangled in the little cussers tonsils.

I have always had a layman's interest in the origin and evolution of words, particularly cuss words. Aside from my oldest son, who always insisted that our family cat taught him swear words(I ask you, how much credibility can you place in a person who says he was taught to swear by something named Kaboodle?), I figure that cussings origins clearly lie with the humans. In that light, I figure Adam was a likely suspect, as the first "cusser", simply because he was the first man and after all, God did have him name everything.

As far as the cuss words themselves, it seems there were always gray area words like gosh, darn, dang or heck, shoot, shucks and cr*p. Now, those gray area words of the past have been shoved aside and words that were once considered hard core cuss words have been shoved in to replace them, i.e., h*ll, d*mn, p*ss, t*t, d*ck, b*tch(and its ghettofied mutation, bi*tch), A*s, sh*t and the only two that really bother me, God and Jesus Christ. It seems that in the U.S., f*ck is the only hold out as truly offensive. I know that I'm new here but...it's OK to use the Lord's name in vein but you can't drop the f-bomb? What does that say about what we have come to revere? Even he/she/we/it/they/you s*ck, which claims it's 60's origins as a sexual reference, is now uttered regularly by everyone from 2 year olds to pastors.

In olden times there was a wide swing in the latitude with regard to the cussing idiosyncrasies of each family. As an example, in my family the word cr*p was not considered a swear word but sh*t certainly was. It was interesting to me, in that, both are slang terms for a bodily function, or the product, there of. Both words, cr*p and sh*t are a rarity by functioning both as noun and verb. Contrary to etymological(I had to look that word up to make sure it wasn't a cuss word) myth, cr*p is not derived from the late, great Thomas Cr*pper but from an Old English word meaning residue from renderings.

I think every family, in the 60's, had a "cuss list" of words that were just not allowed. Now, I can't say that families actually had a printed cuss list, at least we didn't. I think maybe Mr. Dressler, our neighbor who was an engineer may have, of course, he printed up "To Do Lists " for his toddlers and on occasion, when his girls were older, was known to tell them "I banish that word from your vocabulary", but he was an exception. It seems that everybody knew, one way or the other, what was allowable within their own family and what was not. I uncovered many of the words that appeared on my families list one Sunday morning, when we were getting ready for church. I was about 7 and was standing in front of the hall mirror attempting to get my Brilltine soaked cowlick to behave. After several frustrating moments, I let loose with a string of asterisk filled words that I had just learned from the new neighborhood kid, Allan Huber or "Spitty", as my Dad called him (referencing a nasty little habit that Allan had). The Huber's had a much shorter list than we did. In fact, it may have been nonexistent. I won't ever forget the shocked look on my parents faces, peering around the corner at me, as I continued to work on taming my hair and filling the air with a blue streak.

For the most part though, I think our family suffered from CD (Cussing Dysfunction). I once remember hearing my Dad, while wood working on his bench and nearly severing a limb, say only "gosh dang it". Also, we were never allowed to say "shut up", "pee", "poop" or "butt". We mostly said anatomically correct things like bowel movement, breast, penis and rectum. The fact is, prior to the "Allan Spitty Huber Incident", my cussing, to a great extent, was nature based and very creative. As family legend would have it, I once got so mad at my older sister Judi(the homecoming queen, you know the type), that I screamed at the top of my lungs, "you're...you're .. a...a....a...TREE EGG!" That combination of words hardly had the effect I hoped for when I let them fly. Even as it exited my mouth, in fact, as "TREE" past by my incisors, I already regretted saying it. Once my family stopped laughing, a new nickname was born, which actually was a huge improvement over my previous one (A.K.A. Weenie Head).

I do, however, think that there is some credibility in the belief that it's not the word but the delivery that helps define a cussword. Ever listen to the way some folks say B*sh or Cl*nton? But I digress.....

ONE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

JERRY "THEME SONG" BLARES, THEN DIES ...

Audience
JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY...
Host
Thanks for taking time to join us for our series of dysfunctional families. Our first guest says that he is living a lie with one brother, while secretly being seduced by others. Please welcome Pax.
APPLAUSE
Host
So Pax, tell me how you got yourself into this position
Pax Romano
Well Jerry, you know basically I been livin wiff Roja.
Host
At least 2 election cycles, isn't it? So what caused your current problems?
Pax Romano
Iieeght, Iss like dis. I tried to be faithful but I jes can't. Basically Jerry, what it comes down to is, I have needs. If you're gonna be one of my peeps, you got to know how I roll. Jes one can't vibe me no more. I have.. needs, know what I'm sayin'?
So I brought Roja here to say I jes can't be faithful. And das it.
Host
What needs?
Pax
I have to maintain my power. You know, status quo. Don't matter to me who I'm wiff, really. They all ho's. I use 'em boffe.
Host
Kind of a political pimp. And does Roja know this? Well, I guess he does now. Please welcome, Pastor Roja.

Audience
APPLAUSE
Roja emerges from backstage, slightly overweight with too neatly placed hair, short sleeve white shirt and tie, carrying a Bible under his arm. He moves to a chair center stage, which he promptly picks up and moves farther away from Pax but then sits facing him.
Pastor Roja
You do this to me, You do this to me? I trusted you...
Host
Pastor, so you and Pax have been together for quite awhile?
Pastor Roja
"Well Jerry, basically we have been together, off and on, since the Reagan days...
(Angelic Singing out of nowhere) AAAAaaaahhhhhh!
and we even have children together. He my baby daddy. Little FRC, A.K.A. Family Research Council, Liberty Council and even
Hillary's Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, although we think that one was from a hysterical pregnancy.
Then there's little CC, short for Christian Coalition. He looks just like his Daddy Pax, doesn't he? Then there's NRA.
He whispers, "We don't know who his Daddy is but he keeps coming around, thinks he's part of the family anyway and so we just feed him".
Host
What's going on now?
Pastor Roja
Well Jerry, in spite of all I do for him, Pax is unfaithful. I know he's has been calling his "EX" who also happens to be my brother
Audience
OOOOwwwhhh!
Pax(to Audience)
Oooyyeeeaaaaaaa....Status Quo, baby. I got to keep my status...and (laughing)y'all can Quo to hell.
Pastor Roja(to Pax)
All I do for you! All I do for you!!!
Host
Let's bring out the "Ex"....Here he is REVEREND CYAN!!!!! Cyan charges out from back stage. He is thin, wearing a full length ministerial robe, jeans, Birkenstocks, a ponytail and immediately engages Roja in wild, arm flailing combat.
DING, DING, DING.....WILD APPLAUSE
The Show's black shirted bouncers separate the two, momentarily
AUDIENCE( chants)
SHOW US YOUR CROSS, SHOW US YOUR CROSS,...
Immediately, as he starts to dance about , Rojas pulls up his shirt and reveals an ample stomach

and a large cross on a gold chain. Upon seeing this, Cyan opens wide his robe.

The audience cheers., wildly.

Host
All right, All right. Pull down your shirts, please..

Black shirted bouncers put strings of shiny Jerry beads on both.
Pastor Roja(to Cyan)
You're supposed to be my brother but you can't be. You don't really love this country or you'd want to protect it. You join up with pro-abortionists over our own president. You're against everything this country does. You're not even a Republican you're just part of the angry left. You're blinded by your hatred for this president and can't believe the guy you supported lost...twice! After all, you're much smarter than the rest of us, we should just fall in line behind your great intelligence.

Hey I know, why don't we bring back Jimmy Carter?
Reverend Cyan
Really? So Jesus was a Republican? I think not! How can you support someone like Bush who would take us into war, especially under false pretenses? Great, you protest against abortion. I hate it too but what about the poor? What about the environment and those who are in prison? What about the homeless and those with HIV? Are you doing anything for them? You wear your WWJD bracelet and a little fish on your SUV and listen to talk radio but what would Jesus do, really? Isn't your God big enough for more than one issue?
Roja
Yes and more than one testament, too. The bible doesn't just start when Jesus was born. There have been times God has had his children engage in war. "False pretenses?" How about still worshipping a president whose legacy was to "desex" a sex act for an entire generation of young girls and he can't even define what "is, is." By the way, when was the last time you actually shared the Gospel with someone?
Cyan
I actually try to live the Gospel.
Roja
Where's your Bible, hidden in Sandy Berger's pants?
DING, DING, DING....
Again, they engage and Rojas pounds Cyan over the head with his Bible before they are separated.

Audience

Laughing and Cheering wildly
Roja
You love The U.N. more than America!
Cyan
Not accurate. I love this country but remember, God is not an American!
Roja
Maybe not but most of this country's founders devoutly followed Him and some of our leaders still do..Seems like you love everyone but this country. Liberal!
Cyan
Extremist!
Roja
PAC Ho!
Cyan
Neocon Nazi!
Roja
Flyover Fag!
Cyan
Bushbot!

Roja

Redistributionist!

Cyan

Oh yeah, Go Hannitize yourself!
DING, DING, DING! The crowd laughs and roars its approval!
The Host, now roaming the audience, holds the microphone up to a young woman.
Young Woman
Hey, Ponytail! Not that we really don't love to watch you two fight, name call and all, but weren't you supposed to be known by your love for each other? How's that working out for you?
Cyan(to woman)
You don't know me! You don't know me!
Young Man in Audience
Hey NASCAR Billy-Bob, Benny Hinn called and he wants his hair back.
Roja(motioning to the man)
You want some of this?! You want some of this?!
Man in Audience
Hey Bibleboy, there were Christians on both sides of the Civil War, weren't there?
Woman in the audience
Hey Bono, I bet you '"support the troops and not the war." How's that working out for you and the troops?
Woman in Audience
This goes out to both of you. What makes you different different from the Shiites and Sunnis? Always fighting, always at opposite political ends. Didn't Jesus avoid all politics? Hey, when do you guys start the car bombings?

Pax jumps up and begins dancing sexily, swinging around a "stripper pole" on the corner of the stage. The audience goes wild.
Host
Pax, get down off the pole
Pax
It's about the politics, baby. They can't stay away....never will! Better than crack!

You're both my Ho's!
Host
Please stay tuned as we continue our show and try to put the "fun" back into dysfunctional.

nnn

What Am I Missing?

John 13:34
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."