Politicat

To: Kaboodle, Thank you for your early commitment and dedication as a Charter Member of the campaign in Florida. Grassroots leaders like you are the key to building a winning team.

Best Wishes,

Or so the faux, handwritten inscription reads on the bottom of the personalized photograph that our Persian cat, Kaboodle, received from the White House. The photo arrived at our house, several years ago, just prior to the engines of both political parties being revved into high gear for the elections. Upon opening the official envelope(I have taken to handling Kaboodle's mail due to difficulties stemming from his front declawing), I must admit to being a little shocked. Truth be told, we had not had many political discussions with Kaboodle. Being from immigrant stock(he is documented and he has papers), "blue"(a cat of color) and 13 years old(71, in cat years), we knew he had issues and concerns, like all of us but, he often seemed bored when the subject of politics or religion arose. In fact, having Iranian heritage, we always assumed him to be a Moslem, but I digress. Having known Kaboodle since he was a kitten, the Republican party is not who I would have intuitively picked for him to be involved with. Which is exactly what my wife intended to tell the young RNC fundraising staffer that called our house and asked for Kaboodle. After composing herself, she replied, "You realize of course, you're asking to speak to our cat?" When the line went dead, she just assumed that the caller had sensed that a large contribution was not forthcoming(he had probably just pulled up Kaboodle's latest free credit report) and had moved on down his phone list to begin calling "dogs", the next domesticated(and traditionally more conservative) animal in the alphabet.

We had eventually pinned the photo to our kitchen bulletin board and had pretty much forgotten about it. Several months later, I was making a sales call on a big shot at his corporate headquarters. I waited in the outer office and made small talk with his secretary. Finally, I was afforded entree into his office and was seated in a leather chair in front of his huge desk. As a salesperson, you learn to covertly scan the room, looking for things that your prospect has on display that may give you insight or talking points to include in small talk or your sales pitch. As we began to converse, I couldn't help but notice that this was one of those guys that had a picture of seemingly everyone he had ever known, framed and autographed on his office wall. Athlete, priest, politician, entertainer, they were all there. As this powerful business man was making a point, I couldn't help but glance over the top of his balding head. There it was, dead center in his wall of fame, THE picture of W and Laura with the an inscription. As I tried not to smile inappropriately(as the subject of the photo often does) and feigned interest in what the man was saying , I strained to see if his inscription also mentioned Kaboodle.

PS

Lately, we find ourselves watching the evening news, hoping against hope that Kaboodle is not dragged into the Tom Delay or Scooter Libby affairs. A Persian doing the "perp walk" is not a pretty sight. Those tiny little leg irons.... Oh, you can just imagine. As close as we are though, I don't know how I was fooled into thinking that he was a liberal. I guess it's because his meow has always sounded like a Howard Dean cheer or is it visa versa.

Merry Christmas Discovery Group

We hope you enjoy the gemstones!

We wish we'd been there!

REDBUGS AND MILWAUKEE POOP

Several years ago, my family and I moved to Central Florida after nearly thirty years in the Midwest. Once we determined which area we wanted to live in, we purchased a home. This house, built in the mid 80's, was well established and cared for and the previous owners had used the same lawn and pool services for years. Services? I don't need no stinking services. You've got to be kidding. They obviously didn't have any healthy teenage sons who would look for nearly any opportunity to walk around the yard sans shirt to show off their latest tattoo masterpiece to an audience of imaginary teenage girls. These former homeowners couldn't possibly possess the Midwestern farmers "do it yourself attitude." After all, I used to drive by suburban farms, occasionally and had once seen a farmer. I reasoned this couple was probably in need of counseling to help deal with low self esteem issues. What could possibly be so hard about controlling a few pests, weeds, mowing the lawn or adding a few chemicals to the pool, every so often?

As far as greening of the lawn, they obviously didn't know about the secret to a perfect Midwestern carpet. Milorganite is a fertilizer-like compound that is manufactured in Wisconsin. Now let's define manufactured(and "fertilizer-like" and "compound"for that matter). Milorganite stands for Milwaukee- organic- ite and is produced by your basic Milwaukee-ite. It is a solid by-product of their metropolitan sanitary district. In other words, it's poop, dried poop. Milwaukee, Wisconsin dried poop, to be precise, derived almost completely from the remnants of their diet, which of course, consists almost solely of cheese and beer. I used to try to draw some correlation between the quality of each years Milorganite batch to how well the Packers had done but was pretty much unsuccessful. In the North, all you had to do was liberally spread Milorganite around your yard, 4 times per year and you were the envy of greens keepers for miles around. Once, I even made an application when there was still snow on the ground. It created a bazaar scene, when, in my zeal to defeat my yard impaired neighbors, I actually had bright green lawn poking through the ice. How do you mow that?
In Florida, Milorganite did work it's magic and make the lawn greener, however, it seemed to have a slight side effect. In the Midwest it would make the lawn so thick and lush that it would eventually crowd out the weeds. In Florida however,.....we will only accept partial responsible for creating a new species of weed. Did you ever see "Little Shop Of Horrors"?

The pool also would be no problem at all. After all, I had watched the pool guy drive by and throw handfuls of chemicals, seemingly from his truck into the pool and our water was always crystal clear. Once I took over the maintenance, it took just a little while for my wife to get used to hearing the neighbors refer to our pool as the emerald isle. She even got used to standing in murky water, feeling something touch her leg and screaming, "what was that?"

As well as all these other tasks had gone , it was reasonable to assume the "pests" would also succumb and submit as easily as the rest. Most people think of alligators, sharks and rattle snakes when they think of The Sunshine State. In the future, I have an addition for you to consider....Invicta Solenopsis..AKA Red Bugs AKA Red Ants AKA Fire Ants. These little rascals seemed to be everywhere(in my yard). The first time I mowed my lawn(unable to locate a tattooed child), I noticed some small mounds that seemed rife with a little ant activity. They were so industrious and purposeful in their mission...."ouch, that little bugger bit me or something!" I gently crushed his little body against my burning ankle and continued mowing my lawn but made a mental note to revisit his little ant village later and take care of his relatives.

Lawn tools in Florida must be of the heaviest dutiest variety. In fact for a yard implement to survive in Florida, it must make regular visits to Barry Bonds physician, if you get my drift. If you don't buy the most steroid laden utensil available, it will either be dead or back at Home Depot before nightfall. With that thought in mind, I gleefully ripped open the box on my new 240 MPH CATEGORY 11, BEYOND HURRICANE STRENGTH, NUCLEAR POWERED LEAF BLOWER and began to clear my yard of grass clippings, small trees and years of debris. In using my new 240 MPHC11BHSNPLB, I think I inadvertently uncovered some Mayan ruins and possibly the skeletal remains of a woolly mammoth or two, but that's for another story.
Anyway, armed with my new toy I visited the soon to be former village of the little bugger who stung me on the leg. My thinking? Why spend the time and money to remove the aunt hill(*note to self-there is no way to remove these demonic insects from hell) the proper way. I'll just blow them all to smithereens with my brand new toy. Which is exactly what I did. Within the blink of an eye, the entire mound was gone from sight and mixed into the swirling breeze due to the hurricane force, nuclear infused winds of my leaf blower. Now, let me ask you a question. What happens when you take a foot soldier and put him into the sky? Right, one word, AIRBORNE!!! Soon, many of the little monsters that I thought I had offed were dropping on my head and down the back of my shirt, like a bad shower. As the pain and stinging began to sink in, I started to run around the yard, screaming and rubbing my head and back on anything that I thought would scrape the aunts off. As a final desperate effort, I dove headlong into the emerald isle. My wife responded by screaming, "What was that?"

Once the swelling and bleeding had stopped, I moved on to remove the vines that had encapsulated our pool enclosure but I digress.....

The 3:00 a.m. Observations & Ramblings of The Terminally Sleep Deprived and Other Generally Inane Comments (unfortunately, an ongoing edition and new additions)

TV Related

• Today, if we wanted to confirm that Jesus is the Son of God, would The Trinity have to appear on the Maury Povich show for a paternity test?
• The audience members of The Maury Povich Show are the equivalent of the white trash of the Jerry Springer Show audience.
• When Pat Robertson suggested "we could take out Hugo Chavez", was that in his capacity as pastor?
• Does PR remind anyone else of the crazy Uncle in Arsenic and Old Lace? You know, the guy who is digging the Panama Canal in the basement of the Aunt's house and comes up every so often to yell, "CHARGE!" and run up the stairs into his room and slam the door?
• Is Pat Robertson still a pastor and does he know he's on TV?
• Maybe it's just me but the smug, self righteous people in the audience of a Jerry Springer Show are really more deluded and more deserving of pity and in need of prayer, than the people on the stage. They just don't know it. People, People! It's the.. Jerry.. Springer.. Show and you're in the audience!
• Note to myself: Threaten to kill either of my sons or myself, if they ever appear in a show called "Elimidate"!
• Paris-Hilton? I really don't get either one
• What is up with Christian TV. Do you need to have really bad hair to host a show.
• Oprah, person or cult?
• "Now to you, audience, by a special agreement with God, we have placed the keys to a brand new salvation under each one of your seats. YOU GET SALVATION! YOU GET SALVATION! YOU GET SALVATION! AND YOU...AND YOU!!!!"
• It must be that you have to pander to one main Christian network to hawk products and/or sell books. It seems to me to be a bad precedent. Doesn't too much power rest with just one media group w/o accountability? Am I the only one who remembers Jim and Tammyface Baker? Does anybody else see similarities?
• I can't be the only one that is really startled by the hair and make up of some of the women on these Christian shows? It looks as though their make up was applied by snow blower. Don't they have anyone close to them that can be honest?
• There is one Christian show where it appears that you need to have a minimum of 27 people on stage, nodding and "amening" at all times or you're just not anointed!
• I wonder if they offer classes in anointedness?
• Once again, maybe it's just me but do you wonder if it ever annoys God when a brother or sister is praying and they say His name every other word, as if it's punctuation? I guess the way I see it is, I don't talk to anyone else that way.....
• You've got to love the brother in Orlando who is building his mega studio, brick by brick and stone by stone, as funds allow. It appears that he has been a faithful man, kind of a modern day Noah.
• I was watching a Christian TV show and an infomercial broke out. All they needed was the constantly yelling British guy, to complete the scene
• Once again, exactly where in The Word is slain in the spirit and why are all those people falling down?
• What is with the poor woman who looks as though she is in a perpetual wind tunnel, hawking "all natural products" on Christian TV
• Are there more people on stage or in the audience for The Gaither's Homecoming?
  Where are they coming home from....and aren't they there yet?
• I have determined that there is nothing on this planet with a lower prospect for survival than a set of testicles on The Oprah Show( feel free to insert The Dr.Phil Show here)
• One TV pastor has more Chins than the new owner of Unocal(In light of the news, I guess I better change that but I liked the joke, anyway)
• How long will it be before there is a reality show about a terrorist cell called Making The Bomb?
• There must be a learning curve on infomercialism. It seems that once successful, you see the same folks, with different miracle products, over and over again
• It's only a matter of time until we see the Popeil/Ronco Nuclear______________!
• It's only a matter of time part 2: An infomercial on infomercials
• This is "too easy", as they say in White Men Can't Jump but let's talk about car dealership ads.....do these egomaniacs not get it? The dealers who insist in appearing in their own ads, all look about as sincere as, oh, I don't know, a used car salesman. On one hand you have the man who insists on forcing his granddaughter on us and another guy whose eyebrows look like a couple of caterpillars in a face off, followed by yet another who only knows one hand movement(oh wait, he's performing the always tricky, double hand movement). These local car ads have always been a mild point of curiosity for me. Have they let someone convince them that this humanizes them or was this their idea? "No, baby, your'e really different from all the other car guys. You've got it!"
• What is with the woman who only speaks to the TV audience with an ornate, glowing picture frame around her head. Must be tough to get through small doorways or stand in line for the woman's room....never mind that, how about fitting into the stall?
• Got to love the stick-to-itiveness of the Florida TV cult leader wannabe who would have his followers believe that he is a misunderstood messiah and would rule the world with truth and justice but for the Florida Penal System and the "3-5 years for armed robbery he is currently serving". Look out world, when he is on parole. I wonder what the State does for a messianic work release program? A halo-ankle bracelet....?
• If God heals through all of these folks on TV, you'd think He'd start with their hair

News Related

• Today's politicians remind me a little of players in a 30's Mickey Rooney film. Instead of the answer to all problems being, "I know, let's put on a show!" It seems to be, "I know, let's have a commission!"
• Has the Left finally succeeded in hating the current president more than the Right hated the last?
• Can we stop politicizing everything and just help the folks in the Gulf Coast?

• WOW, whose very bad idea was it to hide 8000 people in the Superdome during hurricane Katrina and not follow the city's own evacuation plan?
• Are you tiring of the comparison of the two main religions. One where a few deluded whacko followers have blown up innocents in defiance of their God, as opposed to the other whose followers kill innocents at their god's behest.
• Just wondering....how many people have you gotten to except Christ by threatening them?
• I hope I live to see a hurricane named Sheckie!
• As usual, I probably just don't understand but as far as the murderer/martyr thing goes; doesn't it reveal a sexual naivete and insecurity or maybe more accurately, a fear of assertive or empowered women, that these young male killers are expecting a reward of 72 virgins instead of a couple of women who know what the heck they are doing?
• What do the couple of women murderer/bombers get in heaven, 1 clean-showered guy?
• Good thing I'm not Muslim. All I 'd have waiting for me in heaven is the *aforementioned BillyBob or Shawayne in a tube top, culottes with a Daisy tattoo sticking out of his crack....and I know I'd have wait in the wrong line for a couple of decades just for that. *see Slaves To Fashionhttp://jobesnotjobs.blogspot.com/2005/09/slaves-to-fashion-all-right-i-cant.html
• The very last thing that I (don't?) want to be successful at is killing myself
• The president says, "We can never give in to terrorism" but it's OK for us to pressure the Israelis to leave part of their lands after an endless onslaught of homicide bombers. It doesn't make sense to me
• Another thought! Why would you give a people who have sworn to destroy you, a sea port? Do you think that they might smuggle in, oh, I don't know, weapons from say China(Russia, North Korea, Niger by way of China, etc) to help accomplish their goal? "No, really, those farm impliments just happen to look like RPG's".
• Could We Stop This Now?!!The totally PC and out of control NCAA has determined that it cannot allow any college team that sports(pun intended) a nickname relating to a native American tribe, to participate in any of it's tournaments. This, in spite of the fact that nearly each and every tribe has come out in support of the remembrance of their tribal name, by the use of these college teams. I am big on linear thinking and intellectual honesty, even when it is personally painful. Now, if the NCAA is going to follow the logical extention of their thinking, they shouldn't allow any of their member teams to play in states that are named after Native Americans, either. Oh, and while we are PCing, they better move their headquarters. After all, they are HQ'd in Indianapolis, Indiana. Good thing that city and state were so generic in their origins. They would really be much better off moving to Illinois, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, Iowa, Tennessee, Mississippi, Utah, Minnesota, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Oregon....get my drift? I hear the fighting fowl lobby is screaming for the rollback of the nickname at the university of South Carolina. You have no idea how many Gamecocks are feeling diminished and less birdly each and every day. And how about The Fighting Chains of Kankakee State, The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame, The Florida Gators(they are endangered, aren't they?) or even the Indiana Hoosiers. I am one and I don't really know what the heck a Hoosier is but I think I need the NCAA to tell me that I am feeling very offended.

General Ramblings

• I am considering forming a Christian street gang of middle aged men. I don't think we would be tough enough to deserve a street...Maybe more like a parking lot or a cul de sac, I think
• Back to fashion...what is this with guys wearing their hats sideways? Do they know that in their efforts to look stylish, yet bad they are copying a chapeau style, excuse me skypiece, created by Goober on Andy Griffith?
• Hey Rappers, didn't yo Mammas ever tell you to stop touching your little "pee pee" in public

Our Two Wonderful Sons
These photos were taken just prior to their work release or return from camp, as we like to say. While away on vacation, our oldest, or as the state seems to refer to him, FL#109678-6, was able to keep in shape playing baseball for the Florida State(penal league) All Stars. Our youngest, FL#109678-13, honed his artistic skill by teaching other "campers" how to paint. This, in spite of the fact that he was limited to teaching finger painting, due to the attempts of a few of the campers to turn the paint brushes into weapons.



Yes, our two wonderful sons. What parents wouldn't be proud? Boy, am I glad they look like their mother!

SLAVES TO FASHION?


All right, I can't keep my fingers(the literary equivalent of my mouth) still anymore. We have to talk about fashion or the lack there of, especially in the young and also those who haven't realized they aren't any more.

It doesn't take an exceptionally queer eye to see there is something really bazaar about the direction clothing has taken in the past 10 years or so. I have lived through the Nehru jacket, platform shoes with fish in them, dickies, Beatle boots,velour jogging and leisure suits and Flow Bees, that come equipped with a "Mullet" setting, so I know bad fashion when I see it. First, I guess you need to understand that these comments are coming from a guy who does the bulk of his shopping in the "challenged" section of the Big, Tall and Beyond store. Also, as spiritual as I like to come off, I have to admit that the fact that I can wear shorts, golf shirt and a pair of deck shoes to church, whenever I want, did come into play in my selection of my current house of worship. So you kind of get an inkling of my fashion priorities but in light of my own fashion challenges, here's my rub with the young and young wannabes.

GUYS-Guys are wearing their clothes, especially their drawers, so big they almost fall off. It just makes me want to "pants" someone each time I see it. Their boxers stick up a full 6 inches higher than their belt loops. The first time I saw this, I thought the guy was wearing a paisley cumberbun. I've got to figure this arrangement creates quite a fishing expedition when a guy unzips his fly in the men's room. Actually, this style is not too far afield from my 86 year old neighbor, Fluffy, who putzes around his yard in an ancient pair of saggy cut offs and knee high socks with flip flops, strangely dingie boxers, no shirt and suspenders. He is probably totally oblivious to the fact that he has become a haute' couture diva and that he, A.K.A. Fluff Daddy and P Diddy are the driving force behind a giant fashion engine.

GIRLS-Girls, on the other hand are now wearing things so tight that every bump, pimple and ripple of their skin is on display. One question, who told them this was attractive? Was I hiding in the Beyond store that day? I think this whole trend started when a well-known actress was pregnant with Methuselah, Telullah, Rumor, Gossip or another one of her brood. A national magazine got the brainy idea to have her pose on the cover, nude and preggers, as they say in the U.K. Now, I am all for promoting the culture of life and happened to think that my wife was beautiful when she was pregnant with our kids. But that's me and she's my wife....Now, fast forward a decade(ions in fashion years) and you have way too many women who just look somewhat pregnant wearing way to revealing clothing. I guess I subscribe to the idea that just because they made it with your size on the label, doesn't mean you should wear it. Here's an oxymoron. If you wear a belly shirt, you shouldn't have one.

CELEBRITIES-Now, let's follow this time line. Celebrity, naked and pregnant-is photographed for the cover of a rag, Pop tarts and other celebrity types join in, "hip" celebrity wannabees, pregnant and the pregnant-lite copy them, as belly shirt becomes mainstream. Soon, Walmart Wilma with her gut, saggies, tattoos and lip-dangling cigarette, rears her tooth deficient head. From there it's only a hip-hop, skip and a jump to Billy Bob or Shawanne in a tube top, culottes and a tattoo of a daisy protruding from his crack. You know, you start with an actress who feels the world ought to know how beautiful she is, even when she looks like she is smuggling a beach ball out of K-mart and the next thing you know you have fashion chaos. The age at which young girls wear revealing clothing keeps dropping, as well. A woman I work with brought in a photo of her recent ultrasound. In the grainy picture, I swear you could make out the baby wearing a tiny belly shirt. I have heard, but been unable to confirm, that they are about to unveil a line of "thong" pampers for the next fashion season.

TATTOOS-As long as I have your attention, lets' talk about tattoos. It seems that everybody that has one, has to show it off, every day, all the time. Hey, the only people that care about your tattoo are you, the tattooist you paid to brand you and the guy who's not going to hire you.

UNDERWEAR-This brings us to "the skimpies and flimsies" as Jed Clampett once called them. Okay, what weird and perverted person invented thong underwear?Surely, no one who had to wear them. That can't be comfortable, really. I thought most people outgrew "wedgies" in grade school. Now, style indentured women have self-inflicted wedgies and pay handsomely for it. If they made the prisoners at GITMO wear these, Amnesty International would be on the next plane to Cuba. No matter what is seen in the minds eye, truth be told, most of us would resemble a summo wrestler in search of a an opponent,if made to wear a thong to pad around the house. And another thing, once extricated from these instruments of torture, do the wearers remove the undies from their laundry basket and deliver them to the washing machine with a stick? Yuck! What do women with hemorrhoids......Never mind...

HAIR-OK finally, let's talk about hair. Are you crazy? No, really I mean it. We have entered a coiffure era that defies all past logic. In the old movies, how could you always identify the "whack job?" Right, by the weird and unkempt hair. Look around you. I'll bet that there is at least one person, based solely on hairstyle, that in past years would be certifiable. The men in white coats would be marching them off in a straight jacket, to the boobie hatch instead off to a beauty salon to have their hair patch-colored chartreuse and faux mohawked. There is a woman who sings in our church choir. She is attractive and aside from her hair, appears to be quite "with it" but normal. I'm sure that she pays a great deal for her hairstyle and goes to some snooty place with a trendy French name that probably only excepts payment in Euros. In the name of good stewardship, I have thought of offering to take over her hair management. I figure with a ten dollar pair of battery powered Mr. Snippys, a kitchen whisk and a tube of Elmer's Glue and I could accomplish the same feat that her snooty salon does. Then she would have all those extra Euros to spend on more tattoos, belly shirts and butt floss... but I digress.

BUMPER STICKERS- OR THINGS OF NOTE THAT I HAVE PERSONALLY SEEN STUCK TO A VEHICLE

PEE PEE BOY-Is everybody as tired as I am of seeing the decal of the little boy peeing on Ford/Chevy/Dodge/Bin Laden/Busch/Kerry/Clinton/Clinton/Chicago White Sox(oh sorry, I was dreaming), etc.?

Really RETIRED NUMBERS-Living as close as I do to NASCAR world, I have come to see a need for a law regarding the amount of dead race car driver numbers you can have on your car/truck at the same time.

FISHING-Hey Christians, don't put a fish on your car and drive like an absolute, inconsiderate idiot. The reason I don't have one on my car is because I can't stop to apologize to everyone I cut off when I am driving like an absolute inconsiderate idiot. They won't remember me, just the shiny gold fish. Remember, HWJD?

REAL BUMPER STICKERS

"PMS allows a woman to act for a day the a man acts all the time"

"SURE YOU CAN HAVE MY GUN WHEN YOU PRY MY COLD DEAD FINGERS OFF THE TRIGGER"(You can pretty well figure this wasn't on the back of a Volvo)

"IF YOU CAN READ THIS, WIPE THE BROWN STUFF OFF OF YOUR NOSE"

(Actually, I could read it)

JESUS LOVES YOU!

but I think you suck!

Tomorrow's Headlines(and the subject of future posts)Today...

• Look Out Madonna, Britney and Demi, THE KABOODLE CENTER IS COMING SOON!
• CAGE MATCH OF THE CENTURY-PAT "THE HITMAN" ROBERTSON VS. JIMMY "MR. PEANUT" CARTER -FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!!UNDER CARD IN A BATTLE ROYALE OF THE CULTISTS-TOM CRUISE VS MADONNA....COMING SOON!!
• THE HOLY BIBLE-SWIMSUIT EDITION
• DREW'S Bloodbrothers and Sisters POST(info on fundraisers for Drew)
• SDDPG-Secret Diary of Da Pizza Guy (Ongoing)
• God Has Seen Me Naked
• Oops, I Think I Accidentally Racially Profiled My Kids
• Sleeping with Vader
• Christianese For Dummies-COMING SOON!
• F.A.Q.
• Manners(and other passing fads)
• Americans Just Hate To Be Told What To Do
• Jobe not Job-Lite

a self portrait

CUSSING...
At least that's what we called it in Indiana during the 60's.

Being a keen observer and sometime participant of the passing social scene, I have noticed a change in the way we swear. I guess it's not so much the way but the words. A misplaced blow from a hammer or erratic fellow driver, still elicits the same emotional response but it seems what once was a cuss word isn't any more. You now hear little old ladies and other regular churchgoers, emitting words that only a truck driving, longshoreman/sailor would have said in the past. It also seems the consequences that were once tied to cussing no longer exist, even for a young cuss.
"Did you hear that Ricky Kowalski's Mom washed his mouth out with a bar of soap for saying ..*..?"
Not only is this discipline not applied anymore, it's almost physically impossible, due to the the fact that the little nozzle on the hand squirters most folks now use, would probably become entangled in the little cussers tonsils.

I have always had a layman's interest in the origin and evolution of words, particularly cuss words. Aside from my oldest son, who always insisted that our family cat taught him swear words(I ask you, how much credibility can you place in a person who says he was taught to swear by something named Kaboodle?), I figure that cussings origins clearly lie with the humans. In that light, I figure Adam was a likely suspect, as the first "cusser", simply because he was the first man and after all, God did have him name everything.

As far as the cuss words themselves, it seems there were always gray area words like gosh, darn, dang or heck, shoot, shucks and cr*p. Now, those gray area words of the past have been shoved aside and words that were once considered hard core cuss words have been shoved in to replace them, i.e., h*ll, d*mn, p*ss, t*t, d*ck, b*tch(and its ghettofied mutation, bi*tch), A*s, sh*t and the only two that really bother me, God and Jesus Christ. It seems that in the U.S., f*ck is the only hold out as truly offensive. I know that I'm new here but...it's OK to use the Lord's name in vein but you can't drop the f-bomb? What does that say about what we have come to revere? Even he/she/we/it/they/you s*ck, which claims it's 60's origins as a sexual reference, is now uttered regularly by everyone from 2 year olds to pastors.

In olden times there was a wide swing in the latitude with regard to the cussing idiosyncrasies of each family. As an example, in my family the word cr*p was not considered a swear word but sh*t certainly was. It was interesting to me, in that, both are slang terms for a bodily function, or the product, there of. Both words, cr*p and sh*t are a rarity by functioning both as noun and verb. Contrary to etymological(I had to look that word up to make sure it wasn't a cuss word) myth, cr*p is not derived from the late, great Thomas Cr*pper but from an Old English word meaning residue from renderings.

I think every family, in the 60's, had a "cuss list" of words that were just not allowed. Now, I can't say that families actually had a printed cuss list, at least we didn't. I think maybe Mr. Dressler, our neighbor who was an engineer may have, of course, he printed up "To Do Lists " for his toddlers and on occasion, when his girls were older, was known to tell them "I banish that word from your vocabulary", but he was an exception. It seems that everybody knew, one way or the other, what was allowable within their own family and what was not. I uncovered many of the words that appeared on my families list one Sunday morning, when we were getting ready for church. I was about 7 and was standing in front of the hall mirror attempting to get my Brilltine soaked cowlick to behave. After several frustrating moments, I let loose with a string of asterisk filled words that I had just learned from the new neighborhood kid, Allan Huber or "Spitty", as my Dad called him (referencing a nasty little habit that Allan had). The Huber's had a much shorter list than we did. In fact, it may have been nonexistent. I won't ever forget the shocked look on my parents faces, peering around the corner at me, as I continued to work on taming my hair and filling the air with a blue streak.

For the most part though, I think our family suffered from CD (Cussing Dysfunction). I once remember hearing my Dad, while wood working on his bench and nearly severing a limb, say only "gosh dang it". Also, we were never allowed to say "shut up", "pee", "poop" or "butt". We mostly said anatomically correct things like bowel movement, breast, penis and rectum. The fact is, prior to the "Allan Spitty Huber Incident", my cussing, to a great extent, was nature based and very creative. As family legend would have it, I once got so mad at my older sister Judi(the homecoming queen, you know the type), that I screamed at the top of my lungs, "you're...you're .. a...a....a...TREE EGG!" That combination of words hardly had the effect I hoped for when I let them fly. Even as it exited my mouth, in fact, as "TREE" past by my incisors, I already regretted saying it. Once my family stopped laughing, a new nickname was born, which actually was a huge improvement over my previous one (A.K.A. Weenie Head).

I do, however, think that there is some credibility in the belief that it's not the word but the delivery that helps define a cussword. Ever listen to the way some folks say B*sh or Cl*nton? But I digress.....

ONE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

JERRY "THEME SONG" BLARES, THEN DIES ...

Audience
JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, JERRY...
Host
Thanks for taking time to join us for our series of dysfunctional families. Our first guest says that he is living a lie with one brother, while secretly being seduced by others. Please welcome Pax.
APPLAUSE
Host
So Pax, tell me how you got yourself into this position
Pax Romano
Well Jerry, you know basically I been livin wiff Roja.
Host
At least 2 election cycles, isn't it? So what caused your current problems?
Pax Romano
Iieeght, Iss like dis. I tried to be faithful but I jes can't. Basically Jerry, what it comes down to is, I have needs. If you're gonna be one of my peeps, you got to know how I roll. Jes one can't vibe me no more. I have.. needs, know what I'm sayin'?
So I brought Roja here to say I jes can't be faithful. And das it.
Host
What needs?
Pax
I have to maintain my power. You know, status quo. Don't matter to me who I'm wiff, really. They all ho's. I use 'em boffe.
Host
Kind of a political pimp. And does Roja know this? Well, I guess he does now. Please welcome, Pastor Roja.

Audience
APPLAUSE
Roja emerges from backstage, slightly overweight with too neatly placed hair, short sleeve white shirt and tie, carrying a Bible under his arm. He moves to a chair center stage, which he promptly picks up and moves farther away from Pax but then sits facing him.
Pastor Roja
You do this to me, You do this to me? I trusted you...
Host
Pastor, so you and Pax have been together for quite awhile?
Pastor Roja
"Well Jerry, basically we have been together, off and on, since the Reagan days...
(Angelic Singing out of nowhere) AAAAaaaahhhhhh!
and we even have children together. He my baby daddy. Little FRC, A.K.A. Family Research Council, Liberty Council and even
Hillary's Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, although we think that one was from a hysterical pregnancy.
Then there's little CC, short for Christian Coalition. He looks just like his Daddy Pax, doesn't he? Then there's NRA.
He whispers, "We don't know who his Daddy is but he keeps coming around, thinks he's part of the family anyway and so we just feed him".
Host
What's going on now?
Pastor Roja
Well Jerry, in spite of all I do for him, Pax is unfaithful. I know he's has been calling his "EX" who also happens to be my brother
Audience
OOOOwwwhhh!
Pax(to Audience)
Oooyyeeeaaaaaaa....Status Quo, baby. I got to keep my status...and (laughing)y'all can Quo to hell.
Pastor Roja(to Pax)
All I do for you! All I do for you!!!
Host
Let's bring out the "Ex"....Here he is REVEREND CYAN!!!!! Cyan charges out from back stage. He is thin, wearing a full length ministerial robe, jeans, Birkenstocks, a ponytail and immediately engages Roja in wild, arm flailing combat.
DING, DING, DING.....WILD APPLAUSE
The Show's black shirted bouncers separate the two, momentarily
AUDIENCE( chants)
SHOW US YOUR CROSS, SHOW US YOUR CROSS,...
Immediately, as he starts to dance about , Rojas pulls up his shirt and reveals an ample stomach

and a large cross on a gold chain. Upon seeing this, Cyan opens wide his robe.

The audience cheers., wildly.

Host
All right, All right. Pull down your shirts, please..

Black shirted bouncers put strings of shiny Jerry beads on both.
Pastor Roja(to Cyan)
You're supposed to be my brother but you can't be. You don't really love this country or you'd want to protect it. You join up with pro-abortionists over our own president. You're against everything this country does. You're not even a Republican you're just part of the angry left. You're blinded by your hatred for this president and can't believe the guy you supported lost...twice! After all, you're much smarter than the rest of us, we should just fall in line behind your great intelligence.

Hey I know, why don't we bring back Jimmy Carter?
Reverend Cyan
Really? So Jesus was a Republican? I think not! How can you support someone like Bush who would take us into war, especially under false pretenses? Great, you protest against abortion. I hate it too but what about the poor? What about the environment and those who are in prison? What about the homeless and those with HIV? Are you doing anything for them? You wear your WWJD bracelet and a little fish on your SUV and listen to talk radio but what would Jesus do, really? Isn't your God big enough for more than one issue?
Roja
Yes and more than one testament, too. The bible doesn't just start when Jesus was born. There have been times God has had his children engage in war. "False pretenses?" How about still worshipping a president whose legacy was to "desex" a sex act for an entire generation of young girls and he can't even define what "is, is." By the way, when was the last time you actually shared the Gospel with someone?
Cyan
I actually try to live the Gospel.
Roja
Where's your Bible, hidden in Sandy Berger's pants?
DING, DING, DING....
Again, they engage and Rojas pounds Cyan over the head with his Bible before they are separated.

Audience

Laughing and Cheering wildly
Roja
You love The U.N. more than America!
Cyan
Not accurate. I love this country but remember, God is not an American!
Roja
Maybe not but most of this country's founders devoutly followed Him and some of our leaders still do..Seems like you love everyone but this country. Liberal!
Cyan
Extremist!
Roja
PAC Ho!
Cyan
Neocon Nazi!
Roja
Flyover Fag!
Cyan
Bushbot!

Roja

Redistributionist!

Cyan

Oh yeah, Go Hannitize yourself!
DING, DING, DING! The crowd laughs and roars its approval!
The Host, now roaming the audience, holds the microphone up to a young woman.
Young Woman
Hey, Ponytail! Not that we really don't love to watch you two fight, name call and all, but weren't you supposed to be known by your love for each other? How's that working out for you?
Cyan(to woman)
You don't know me! You don't know me!
Young Man in Audience
Hey NASCAR Billy-Bob, Benny Hinn called and he wants his hair back.
Roja(motioning to the man)
You want some of this?! You want some of this?!
Man in Audience
Hey Bibleboy, there were Christians on both sides of the Civil War, weren't there?
Woman in the audience
Hey Bono, I bet you '"support the troops and not the war." How's that working out for you and the troops?
Woman in Audience
This goes out to both of you. What makes you different different from the Shiites and Sunnis? Always fighting, always at opposite political ends. Didn't Jesus avoid all politics? Hey, when do you guys start the car bombings?

Pax jumps up and begins dancing sexily, swinging around a "stripper pole" on the corner of the stage. The audience goes wild.
Host
Pax, get down off the pole
Pax
It's about the politics, baby. They can't stay away....never will! Better than crack!

You're both my Ho's!
Host
Please stay tuned as we continue our show and try to put the "fun" back into dysfunctional.

nnn

What Am I Missing?

John 13:34
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."